really long and angsty
20th April 2005, 12:09 pm

The last couple of days have been a wee bit eventful. Monday I woke up in a really foul mood, not tempered by the fact that Amy tried to get out of going to our 11. I swear she�s been to about 4 lectures out of 11 so far, yet she had the gall to bitch at me when I missed a lecture due to torrential snow. Okay, maybe I�m still in a foul mood�

Anyway, I went to my Anxiety Management class on Monday afternoon. The official course title is Stress Management, which is highly appropriate, seeing as everyone there seemed to be there because they have �time management� problems, and consequently get stressed when the exams come round and they haven�t done any work. I�m sure this problem is really important and serious to them, but it�s nothing like the issues that I have, and the fact that I seem to be the only one with my type of issues made the whole thing really frustrating. I really wish my problems were just exam stress, although I reiterate that I�m sure their time management problems are really important to them. To me though, their problems are relatively solvable, whereas I appear to be trying everything to sort my problems out and nothing seems to be working.

We did some breathing exercises and relaxing stuff� that�s all great, but usually I don�t get anxious for hours and hours, it�s a momentary panic thing that I can�t realty control. People have said to me to go to the one on Monday and see if it improves, but if it doesn�t then I probably won�t bother completing the course. I can�t see how pissing myself off every Monday afternoon would help things much.

Came back Monday night feeling really down, mainly because I thought the classes were going to help majorly, and the fact that they probably weren�t meant it was something else that hadn�t helped. I went round to Lisa�s that night and talked things through with her� she made me feel a lot better, though once I got home again I felt shitty again. My house seems to depress me all by itself at the moment; I don�t know what that�s about.

Yesterday lunchtime, after I�d gotten back from Paddy teaching me how to use the library � yes I know, I�m a second year who hadn�t yet learnt how to use the library, shut up � I got a phonecall from my sister from work. My gran had rang my mobile the night before whilst I was at Lisa�s, but I�d ignored it as I wasn�t really in the best mood to talk to my gran. Turns out she was ringing because Audrey (my uncle�s wife) had died that night after battling with cancer. We�d all thought that she�d had a lot longer left, but apparently she�d lied to us all � said she had a year left, when in actual fact it was 6 months. Now I�m not especially close to Audrey, mainly because I hate my uncle for making my mum�s life a misery and generally being a dickhead, and consequently didn�t see her very often, so I�m not very sad about it. That sounds really harsh I know� I mean I feel sad for the situation in general, I just can�t get more personally than that.

The main problem is that when my sister rang, I immediately said that I�d go to the funeral, as I figured that one of us should be there for my gran, and my sister had already said that she wouldn�t be able to handle going. I then rang my gran and told her I�d go, bar having something majorly important on next Tuesday. She sounded really happy that I�d be going, though I�d said that I�d only be able to stay for the funeral part, and would have to go home straight after. Once I got off the phone though, I thought about it properly and realised that I didn�t actually want to go to the funeral at all, and didn�t know why I�d said that I would go in the first place.

I can�t afford to freak out when I�m there, as my gran doesn�t know anything about my anxiety problems (and I�m not about to tell her). I�m sure that I will be able to handle it at the time, but I�m pretty certain that I�m going to be really upset when I get back to Sheffield. I�m not sure what going to a funeral so soon is going to do with me, particularly as a lot of what we�ve talked about in counselling is about my mum and Bernie dying. Just the thought of having to get my funeral outfit out again makes me want to fold up inside. I mean, I could get out of it, just by telling my gran that I�m in labs and can�t get out of them. Thing is, if I didn�t go I�d feel so incredibly guilty about it, now that I know how much she wants me to be there, and I don�t know if I could lie to my gran on the phone about something like this and not hate myself for it.

My head was all crazy with thoughts, and I didn�t feel like I wanted to talk to anyone in my house about it, so I went over to Lisa�s again. Once again she really helped, and I really appreciated it. I know she doesn�t want me to go to the funeral, and if I�m honest I don�t want to go either, but I think either way I will end up going, only because the guilt I�ll feel if I don�t outweighs everything else. I told my gran I�d ring her at the weekend about it though, so I still have a few days to think things over.

Came back from Lisa�s last night, and got the feeling that Mel was pissed off for me running off to Lisa�s without telling her about anything. I did leave a note though. I mean, people did know that something was wrong, because they heard me on the phone to my sister and my gran, they just didn�t know what the problem was, and I wasn�t really in a great state to tell them. Plus I�ve known Lise for a lot longer, and we�re a lot closer. Not that I�m not close to the people in my house, but I�m a different kind of close with her � she knows the things about the way I see myself, and the stupid stuff I�ve done in the past to make myself feel better� things that I haven�t been able to tell my Sheffield friends yet, because I�m ashamed of it. So now, stupidly, I feel bad for not telling people what was going on; I went up to Em�s room and talked to her about it, but now I�m finding myself avoiding talking to Mel for long, because I�m pissed off because she�s possibly pissed off. It�s very childish, I know.

God this is a long entry. I think I might go to the library for a bit (currently in the Perak lab computers) and do some work, as it�ll both keep me distracted and help me catch up on my massive workload. Keeping the depressed mood at bay is seriously hard work at the moment.

NB. Word count has just informed me that this entry is 1232 words long, bar this NB. I do apologise.

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