Vicky
7th May 2005, 1:34 am

Warning: this entry is very, very long and will most likely be very dull to anyone who isn�t me. I�ve had to write down all my thoughts over something that happened a couple of days ago � someone in my house reading this journal behind my back and me discovering this. I seriously recommend you not bother reading it, as I can see it boring most people to tears.

I need to go back to Tuesday night, as that�s when everything first started:

I went to bed last night at midnight, and checked my usual web pages like I always do, including my site meter site. I saw that someone from my house had been on my journal and read 12 pages at half nine, and I knew that it wasn�t me. Words cannot describe how fucked off I was� I texted Hannah straight away (she knew that I had had suspicions before) saying that someone�d been on, and once she went on msn we did the whole �I can�t believe anyone in this house�d do something like that� speech that we�ve done time and time before. I went to bed really wound up and wanting to find out who it was then and there, and consequently only got about an hour�s sleep between 8-9am� it really did take the piss.

Once I�d gotten up on Wednesday morning I realised that I was going to have to go on people�s computers and check their Internet history to see who�d been on my site. I really hated the idea of having to do that because of a) the invasion of their privacy and b) it meaning that I didn�t trust them enough to not read it. To cut a long story short, with much boring ip tracking etc, I found out that it was Vicky. I completely flipped when I saw my site on her Internet history� Michelle was with me when I found out (as I�d been on her laptop I�d explained the situation to her) and I think she got a little scared.

I was searching for my phone, so that I could text Hannah and tell her who it was, when Mel came home. Obviously I couldn�t tell her what was going on until I talked to Vicky. Hannah then came back, but I couldn�t talk to her with Mel then, and then suddenly Vicky arrived back. I left the room, grabbed Hannah on the way and asked to talk to her, and then went up to my room. I told her that it was Vicky and she was really shocked too� I think she�d decided that it was my site meter playing up. She just stood leaning against my door going, �Oh my god� oh my god, I didn�t think it�d be Vicky of all people.� After fannying around for what felt like forever, though it was probably only about ten minutes, I decided to bite the bullet and go confront Vicky about it. I had no idea at all how to say everything, and figured it was probably better that way.

Went downstairs and asked for a word with Vicky � we went up to her room. She asked me what was wrong, and I said, �I don�t know how to say this, so I�m just going to say it. I know you�ve been reading my online diary, and I�d like to know why.� She had no idea that was coming, and was completely taken aback� and really scared as well, I think. I thought I was going to shout but I didn�t, I was really quiet, and I think that made things harder. She said that she�d only read it twice, which I believe, and she was so sorry and so apologetic that I didn�t really need to say anything. She kept saying �I�m really sorry� and �I�d hate me if I were you� and I just didn�t know how to reply. She said that she had no defence for doing it, that it was inexcusable, that she�d never do it again and that she didn�t blame me if I didn�t want to speak to her again. In the end I said, �I think I�ve said everything that I wanted to say. I don�t really know how I feel about things, so I think I need to go away and think for a bit. Yeah��

I trailed off and left, went back up to my room, feeling really shit about upsetting her and the situation in general. Talked for a while with Mel and Hannah, who then went down to make some lunch. I said I�d be down in a bit, but just wanted to think for a bit. I sat on the top step of my attic stairs and listened to Vicky crying on the phone to Aaron, which made me feel worse, than then went down and had some lunch.

Went for a walk in the park to think things through. By then I wasn�t as angry anymore, just kind�ve upset and sad that the situation had to arise in the first place. I then talked to Rich to see what he thought of everything � we walked around Crookes for a while, as it was tres sunny and pleasant, and he told me that I should talk to her once I got back, and that Vicky was the worst person it could be, as she would beat herself up majorly about it, and let her thoughts get out of control, i.e. that everyone would hate her and that I�d hate her forever. I was planning on talking to her when I got back anyway, but he confirmed things for me.

Got back and asked Mel and Michelle to go see her, to check she was okay. They didn�t want to because they were �too scared� so I pushed them down the stairs (not literally). They came back after about fifteen minutes as Vicky�s mum had rang her, but said that she was taking things really hard � said that she hated herself, and that it was the worst thing she�d ever done. I figured I�d better go talk to her then and there.

Knocked on her door and went in. She looked like she�d been crying for hours, which was probably true. I sat down on the bed and said something like, �Okay so I�ve thought about everything, and I accept that you�re sorry, and that you only read it twice (once to see what was wrong with me, as it was around the time I�d just started counselling and was really weird for a few days and she was really worried about me; twice because that night she�d gotten really down because she thought everyone hated her - which I�ll explain later on in this already incredibly long entry - and wanted to see if anyone had complained to me and I�d consequently written it down) and that you�ll never do it again. People make mistakes, and that�s what you�ve done, but it could have been a lot worse. I mean I�m still angry, but not as angry as before, and I want us to try and forget about this and just carry on with things.�

She looked at me, still crying, and said, �I�m really sorry.�

I kind�ve smiled and said, �I know you are.�

We talked about things some more, and she told me about how insecure she was as a person, and that she honestly felt like she didn�t fit into our house, and that (Tuesday) night she felt like she didn�t fit in in the slightest, and that she read my diary as a way of working towards making herself more relaxed. I think I definitely swung too far the other way, in that I told myself that I was fine about things so that I could make her feel better, just because she was hating herself so much about things and beating herself up so severely.

Takes a break here to go watch two episodes of 24 season 2 with Michelle

I asked her why she was so insecure; as to my knowledge she had no reason to be, as no one in this house has/has ever had a problem with her. She started talking about how she�s always had it, and that she�d started to get better with it until Tuesday night. Said that she�d had counselling about it before, and that they reckon stuff in her past made it a problem for her. I asked her what kind of things (not in a nosy bitch kind of a way, more of an I-want-to-understand kind of way), and she talked about how her mum had been bulimic at one time, and that her brother was autistic� I didn�t know these things, and I assume they make her insecure in that she wonders if people talk about it behind her back. She then started mentioning something else but stopped, and started getting really upset, so I rubbed her shoulder and told her she didn�t have to tell me if she didn�t want to. Eventually she told me that when she was about 17 she went to some club with her friends, and that somebody must�ve spiked her drink with something. She became really disjointed here, and missed words out because they were too hard to say, but I gather from what she did say that some random bloke took her to the men�s� toilets and raped her, only she can�t really remember it because she blacked out at one point. She had to have a load of tests for STDs etc, and she doesn�t even know who the bloke was, and this is the reason she doesn�t get drunk when she goes out. Afterwards she overheard people talking about her, and felt like everyone knew and was talking, and this is another reason why she has such security issues.

Obviously I had no idea this had happened to her - she�s only told her friends Lee and Jenny from home and Aaron - and it pretty much knocked me for six. She then said, �I�m not giving you a whole sob story in order to excuse what I did, because there�s no excuse for it� which I totally accept, but I was still feeling pretty shocked. She also talked about seeing Uni as a new start for her, which I completely understand� for some reason I suddenly found myself talking about the worst thing that I�ve ever done, which is obviously my self-harm episode from years ago. Maybe I wanted to give her something about my past in exchange for what she�d told me about hers? I don�t know. Anyway, once we�d finished talking about everything I asked her how she was feeling, and she said, �Well, I still hate myself for what I�ve done, but I think I feel better about the situation in general.� We then went and sat downstairs for a bit, and people gradually came downstairs and saw that we were okayish � everyone had been hiding in their rooms, unsure of what to do and what was going on, by the sounds of it

Since then things have been very weird, to say the least. Due to me swinging too much the other way, I�m now quickly back to feeling fucked off by her invading my privacy again, and these fucked off feelings compete with me feeling really sad about the whole situation, because now everyone in the house knows what has happened and feels weird about it, and there�s a crappy atmosphere to everything. And knowing how hard Vicky�s taking everything makes me feel awful, because I�m the one who made her feel that way, even if that�s not my problem to deal with. Things are more awkward between us than on Wednesday� whenever I see her I simultaneously want to ignore her and give her a hug and tell her that everything�s okay. I think she�s a little scared of me, in case I change my mind about everything and start raging at her.

I�ve told all the house people that I don�t want their relationships with her to change at all, because this problem is between me and her and no one else. Maybe that�s wishful thinking. I also asked everyone if they�d go talk to her and let her know that they don�t hate her, and still trust her� I think she�d really appreciate that. She came back from meeting her friend Rachel on Thursday morning, and I was sat downstairs doing some work, and she said, �I�ve just spoken to my friend Rachel about it, and she really helped. I dunno� everyone�s being so nice and I�m not even the victim, I�m the perpetrator. And everyone�s being really sweet in this house, and I know that all down to you, and I just want to say that I really appreciate it.�

I didn�t really know what to say, so I just smiled awkwardly and said, �That�s okay.� The problem I was facing was that I was finding things harder the more time went past; she�s gone home this weekend, and she came up to say bye this morning (awkwardly again) and I said, �Look there�s a bit of a problem� well not really a problem, but it�s just that I�m finding myself getting really angry about things again, which is bizarre, and my mood seems to be fluctuating quite a bit, so I just thought I�d better let you know. I mean I�m sure it won�t last for very long, but I still feel quite weird for most of the time.� She looked pretty crushed to be honest, but said that she understood, and didn�t expect things to be fine so quickly. I still felt bad for making her feel shit again though.

I don�t know if I�ve handled things in the right way or not. I don�t know if I�m making this more serious than it actually is or not� yes it�s only my diary, but I write about so many important and emotional things in here, mixed in amongst the daily shit, and the thought of someone sitting and sifting through them gets right under my skin. I�ve written a lot about counselling and my mum dying and things that I haven�t told most people, as well as the fact that I�ve been trying so hard to talk to people about what�s going on with my life, trying to change how I normally do things. If she had asked me anything, I would have told her truthfully about it. It is a huge invasion of privacy, no matter how many times I tell myself it�s not. If it�d been a friend that I didn�t live with and see every day, then it�d probably be a lot different too, but the fact that I see her a hell of a lot makes everything so difficult. More than anything, I wish this had never happened in the first place. Everything is now awkward and uncomfortable, seeing how awful Vicky looks every day really gets me down, which clashes with my feelings of hurt from her reading my diary � I thought by now anyone would know that they shouldn�t read my private thoughts, and would hate the idea of anyone reading anyone�s personal thoughts � and I just want us all to be back to normal again. I don�t really know how long that will take either� the only thing I do know is that I don�t want Vicky to hate herself forever over this.

This is officially the longest entry I've ever written.

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