Sadness
10th May 2005, 7:30 pm

The Vicky situation is turning into something it's not slowly. She's avoiding being on her own with me (according to Mel) because she's unsure of how I still feel about things. I've picked up on this whole awkwardness, and am consequently reciprocating it, partly instinctively and partly childishly. I should really just go talk to her already and clear things up, but the childish part of me is waiting for her to come talk to me, seeing as it's her fault this has all occured.

My head's been hurting all day, because I have a cold and it sucks ass. Had counselling at midday, so had to get up though. I told C about everything that's been going on, and that was actally okay, and then we talked about my incredibly harsh self-criticism thing that I have going on. She thinks that it's all stemming from the fact that I haven't forgiven myself for the period after my mum died when I turned into a complete bitch and gave my dad hell, and that I believ that that's the reason that me and my dad aren't very close and don't have a normal father-daughter relationship. I do believe that too, which is kind've sad I guess. She also thinks I haven't forgiven myself for the self-harm thing I did too, which is true. I still hate myself for that period of my life, and find it really hard to admit to people about.

I guess it's also kind've sad that I think me gaining great academic achievement will make my dad respect me more. Coming to uni, and talking things through with C for endless hours (it seems) really seems to have brought home to me how much "closeness" I missed out on from my mum dying. Aren't you meant to get really close to the rest of your family, especially your remaining parent, when this kind of thing happens?

Anyway, the rest of my day has passed in a haze of vague sadness. I haven't talked to anyone in the house about counselling recently, mainly because it's the really vulnerable stuff about me, and it's scary. I went to bed for a few hours this afternoon - had a dream about floating vampires - but it didn't shift my headache. I'm now sat trying to write notes on "Maturation of Transmission and Receptor Isoform Transitions", but it's so fucking boring that I'm close to giving up.

Bad girls on at 9 though, which is keeping me going. It's a big-ass hour and a half long episode too, which makes me geekishly excited.

Had a dream this morning about Bernie, where she was saying goodbye in a random house. I somehow knew that I wasn't going to see her again, as I knew that she was about to die and I was leaving for uni soon, so I tried to say goodbye properly, but she just smiled sadly, gave me a quick kiss and left, leaving me watching her through the door window. I HATE HAVING DREAMS LIKE THIS, WHY DOES MY MIND WORK IN THIS WAY?

Bad girls in half an hour... must remember to tape it for Lisa.

last - next