Got there in the end
24.04.06, 10:39 am

Thankyou all so much for the notes - as always I�m completely lost for words, and you�re all so very fantastic.

I�ve got to go to lectures in about half an hour � two of them � and I�ll try to finish this before I have to leave the house. I�ve got my cup of tea and I�m ready to go for it. Without going into details, both for time reasons and because I don�t think it�d be too fun to, I met an older guy last week, and we went for a long, most-of-the-day date. I then went round to his on Saturday night to watch a film, after telling the housekids that I was going out with the Neuroscience lot. We watched it in his room and drank a lot of red wine andthenhadsextwice. I got up really early the next morning, about half six, and walked back to my house; snuck in really quietly, had a long euphemistic shower and then went to bed for a few hours, as I hadn�t slept at all and was a bit hungover. I don�t think I�m going to be hearing from him again; I don�t even think I want to.

The whole walk home, which was a good forty minutes, was spent thinking about Paddy. He was just in my head, and I could not get him out again. I think in some way I was hoping that it�d make the Paddy thing hurt less, make moving on easier, but it just seems to have made me miss him more, made things ten times worse. I was also a bit too drunk to be thinking clearly about anything. Yesterday the whole sex thing seemed like the biggest fuck-up ever, but maybe it�s not actually that bad. It�s just so very much not like me; I think that�s why it feels so bad. I also worry that it makes it seem like I was never actually that bothered about Paddy, that I�m really just a big slag, but it�s not the case� I�m still in love with him, if not more so now, if that makes sense.

I�ve got to see him today � he�ll be in both of my lectures � and it�s going to be� interesting. It�s made more interesting by the fact that I can�t see myself ever telling any of the housekids what happened Saturday night, as I think they�d all disapprove, so if I get upset I�m going to have to be even more covert than usual. I still feel bad about lying to them. I think maybe I feel too bad about stuff sometimes.

Huh, I never thought I�d be able to write about it and yet I have, although I know it�s kind�ve scant on details. Writing it has also reminded me of how much I enjoy writing in general, and that it helps massively in organising my thoughts, so I�m not going to stop, at least for the time being. Next time I�ll try and write an entry that�s more mundane and less angst-ridden, but for now I have to go over to the Arts Tower of Fug and learn about some stupid disease that hardly anyone has anyway. Either that or it�s learning about how nerve tracts are formed. Not sure which I prefer.

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