Bad heath day
15.05.06, 2:00 pm

I have been better. My arms are currently really quite painful, and I probably shouldn�t be typing this but I want to get it all out of my system. Health is currently not good � after a twenty minute MSN spree yesterday where I was talking to four people (I know! 4 people AT THE SAME TIME! I�m clearly the most popular person in the world ever.) my arms have practically given up functioning, due to the keyboard typing I�m assuming. I didn�t get to sleep till gone one last night, as the left one was just burning and aching and generally not being happy. I�ve lost count of the number of �Just fuck right off� statements I�ve directed at it. Jesus, typing this is hurting.

I still went to the I.T. Centre this morning though, because revision waits for no man, although using a pen is no picnic. People (including Doctor) keep telling me to let my tutors know about it, and I probably should but I don�t want to. My tutor�s the nicest bloke ever, and we get on really well, but it feels like I�m always emailing him for some stupid health reason or other around exam time. For once I want to do my exams without there being something wrong, so I don�t have the safety net of concessions or people telling me it�s okay if I mess up/messed up, because I wasn�t 100%.

I�ve robbed this from Annie�s MySpace, as I liked the idea of it and I�m feeling a bit rubbish emotionally, and thought it�d be therapeutic or something. The deal is that you write ten random statements to different people and not say which is to whom. Due to the ridiculously honest nature of this diary however, you can probably all completely guess whom they�re addressed to. And given the ridiculously honest nature of myself, I�ll probably say who they�re to next entry.

1. You�ll never realise just how much I thought about you, and us, and still do, and how spending time with you now rips me up a little every single time. And I�m glad it�s that way, because I can hopefully always handle it and this way you can stay in my life.

2. I constantly wonder how you can have such blind faith in something. Sometimes I think it must be nice, reassuring, but usually I�m so glad that I�m not like that, and that I can rely on myself to get through things.

3. Most of our arguments are stupid and unimportant, but they always remind me of when we�d stand and scream at each other, and consequently always affect me. I doubt it�s the same for you, because you always assume that you�re right, and think that those big fights were because I was out of line.

4. I still miss you. I wish we could talk just one last time, have one last hug.

5. You make me feel like I�m an amazing person, whether it�s actually true or not. I wish you nothing but fireworks, and you know that I love you a lot.

6. You�ve made Uni one of the best experiences I�ve had ever, and are yet to get frustrated with the stupid way I deal with things or my amount of abandoned mouldy mugs. I wish you weren�t about to go back to him, and would realise how great you are and that you deserve so much better.

7. You never made me feel like I was stupid, even in the middle of that horrible week. Your support was so incredible and appreciated, and I couldn�t have got through it without you.

8. I wish you lived closer. Our friendship is so non-conventional and yet I value it so highly.

9. I think we both know that we�d probably really hit it off, but for some reason neither of us has the motivation to go for it. For me, it must be because you're not him.

10. Whenever we talk on the phone I always try and hide the tiredness in my voice, because your health is more important than mine. I�m scared about your scan results, and you�ve stopped asking me for reassurance because you know that I don�t want to lie.

Okay I�m going to have to wrap this up already, because my wrists fucking knack. What is wrong with me? What is actually wrong? I used to be able to lift 40kgs at the gym 24 times and it not really hurt, and now I can�t type for twenty minutes without my arms wanting to drop off. This stupid fucking hellspawn shitty mystery illness has had me kind�ve close to tears for the last two days straight, so that I�m avoiding the kids and forcing myself to play only happy music and flipping the channel when Cancer Research adverts come on. I can�t even play guitar to make myself feel better. I�ve also lost count of the number of times I�ve thought, �You�re gonna be just fine, Holly� to myself in my best comforting voice. This paragraph has no structure at all and I know that but I don�t know how best to convey that I�m frustrated and so tired and scared and down. Oh buggery, now I�m getting intense pins and needles and burning. I�ll try and write again when the arms calm down.

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