It takes time to see what you've done
08.10.06, 8:59 pm

The consumption has nearly passed, which I think everyone is glad about as it means an end to the snuffling, misery and Neurofen Plus overdosing. Friday at work was pretty good, seeing as I didn�t really do anything bar chat and make a coloured spreadsheet of everyone�s birthdays. And we had a 50-minute coffee break because I went all dizzy in the canteen and had to have an extended sit-down. This dizzy thing has to stop. Plus whenever it happens I inevitably wind up having to tell the people around me about the ME, because they ask me if I�m okay and what the deal is. I always feel like I�m doing a whole, �Oh yes, and I need everyone�s attention so that I can reveal that I�m suffering from a long-term debilitating condition called ME. Which is a debilitating long-term condition. Called ME.�

In actual fact, I dread telling new people about the ME. I�m almost ashamed of it, even though it�s not my fault that I have it, or at least it probably isn�t my fault. Okay, one day I�m going to grow a pair and talk about how it could actually be my fault, but until then we�ll gloss over. Saying all this though, Indie Chick is being lovely with the whole thing, bringing me glasses of water whenever I keel over and go, �Indie Chick, I�ve gone all dizzy again� and telling me not to go to two-hour long seminars because they�re too long for me. So yeah, work is going really really well. I still can�t believe I have the job, and that I have regular money coming in and don�t have to worry about paying the rent anymore. This smugness will eventually die down, I promise.

My sister�s just rang me, hungover as usual. No wonder my gran�s convinced she�s got a drinking problem. She wants me to go visit her in Paris before Christmas, which I might actually do, finances permitting. I think the main reason for her ringing though was to moan about how her Watership Down DVD wouldn�t play on her laptop. I love Watership Down, despite the horribleness that is the creepy evil rabbit with the one eye. I just learned Bright Eyes on the geetar because I am the original sap.

Thank GOD for YouTube. I�ve spent most of the afternoon watching old episodes of America�s Next Top Model that some magical person uploaded in 4-bit pieces. I love not having any work to do anymore. Smug smug smug.

My weekend�s been kind�ve good and bad, but I don�t know how to talk about it. I wrote an entry last night but ended up deleting it immediately, because it was very personal and made me quite scared. God, I have so many thoughts and feelings just churning around inside, to the point where I feel kind�ve sick. I�ve pretty much spent the entire weekend eating Kit Kats and drinking coffee. You know when you�ve kind�ve suspected something about yourself for ages, but just denied that it was true? And then something happens and you suddenly realise that it is completely true, and that you�re actually just shit? Well that�s happened. And as much as I�d like to believe that it doesn�t matter, it really does. I wish the past would just stay gone. I am so sick of myself. I cannot express that enough; I am completely sick and tired of myself.

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