You've got some nerve, I can't face your mistakes
11.10.06, 3:07 pm
Last night me and Lisa had a huge argument about cleaning, which was a follow-on from the slightly smaller argument we had on Monday morning. I swear if I have one more fucking argument about the state of the fucking flat I will actually lose it. Last night started off as a supposed �adult discussion�, but eventually I could feel myself getting too annoyed, so tried to walk off. And then when I got abuse for that, I lost it and shouted that I was really tired. Lisa screamed back that she was really tired too, that I wasn�t the only one who was tired. And I didn�t play the ME card� I could�ve done if I had wanted to but I didn�t, because I didn�t think it was fair. But fuck that, she has no idea at all about being tired. She�s got no idea at all, and I sometimes wish that she could be me for a couple of days just to see what it�s like.
She got very angry and shouted a lot about a lot of unimportant stuff, and I kept telling her to lower her voice. And then we avoided each other for a couple of hours, before I decided to go to bed at nine o�clock and knocked on her door to say goodnight. She wanted to talk again, and we cleared the air and she suddenly got very upset about everything that was wrong at the moment (stressful last uni year, juggling Uni, Linda and a new job, feeling like she can�t do the uni work). And I was so good: I was all comforting and reassuring and just a good friend. Things are technically fine between us now.
Except I woke up this morning feeling incredibly blue, and it hasn�t shifted. I ended up apologising for a load of stuff that I don�t think was out of order. The flat is a fucking showroom compared to my house last year; it�s never less than slightly untidy. I can�t do this; I just get grief over endless little things that really aren�t important. When she gets all stressed and has to frantically clean I never say anything, even though it stresses me out. I just let her get on with it, because I�m tolerant. She has no qualms in telling me off for everything though. It�s not my fault she�s stressed out about her uni work, and is all annoyed because she has no money and can�t see Linda very much. I know she uses the flat as a scapegoat for all her life stress and it�s getting unbearable.
She�s so high-maintenance, compared to all the housekids. She�s always been quite highly strung as a person, but you really feel it when you�re living with her. I know she�s OCD when it comes to cleaning, and her brain works in funny ways and she feels stressed if things are messy, but my brain doesn�t work like that and I don�t understand it. There are so many other bigger things to get stressed about instead of whether the goddamn washing up�s been done. I miss living with the kids� life was so much easier then. I can�t keep having stupid arguments about this shit. Arguing is pointless, just a big pointless waste of energy. And you always feel like shit afterwards, which is what I have now.
I�m starting to very tentatively think about maybe moving out after 6 months. I probably shouldn�t be thinking things like that but fuck it, it�s on my mind and I may as well write it down. I�m sorry this has turned into a huge rant that probably doesn�t seem very important, but life just feels horrific if you�ve got home stress. It just brings you down continually, and you start to look forward to when you can get back to work.
In other news, I�ve met a guy and have been on a few dates with him, and am having a huge internal crisis about the fact that I just can�t do relationships and will probably be on my own and lonely forever, and that it�s all my own fault. Fun times. Luckily I�m off to Nottingham this weekend to see my gran, so I can get away for a while.
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