Just generally very bad
15.10.06, 7:08 pm

After smugly thinking a few days ago, �Huh, I haven�t had a crash in ages� I�m totally reaping the results by suffering with a truly awful one. I haven�t felt this bad since the horrible post-zoo crash. Within an hour of getting up this morning I felt completely exhausted, which was met by an, �Oh shit, this is not good� thought. Having to get the train home was a horrible, dream-like badness, and of course both fucking taxi drivers wanted to chat, and by the time I finally got back to the flat I had to lie on my bed with my heart pounding for about fifteen minutes to recover a little.

Sorry for the extensive whiny detail. I just haven�t felt this bad in forever� I had to cancel the date that was on for this afternoon, which fucks me off more than I could ever convey, and am generally having a big, �I can�t do this anymore� crisis. Most days I can handle the ME okay� I�m tolerant of it and accommodating towards it and it doesn�t get me too down. That�s all gone completely out of the window at the moment. I keep having horrible daydreams of me getting worse again and having to give up work. Most days I have a whole, �One day I am going to wake up and not feel exhausted� thing going on. At the moment it�s more �I am going to completely forget what feeling awake feels like forever�. It really gets you down.

The weekend at my gran�s is obviously the cause of the crash. I was so intent on appearing happy and bright and not ill, and was so sociable and upbeat, that I completely wrecked myself. My gran seemed to really enjoy the weekend though, so I guess that�s the main thing. I can�t remember if I explained in here, but she�s got a condition where her spine�s slowly compressing and pinching some of her spinal nerves, which is causing her legs to become numb and useless and she�s in constant agony. There�s an operation she can have to right it but the NHS seem reluctant to put her on the waiting list for it, and after pissing around for nearly a year they�ve only just put her on the waiting list for a shitty epidural, which will be a wait of 6 months at least.

So she decided to go private, and went to see some specialist on Tuesday. And he�s turned around and said that there�s no way he�s doing the operation because she�s on Warfarin and the blood loss would be massive and the risk too great. I am beyond gutted. It appears that she�s never going to get better: never be able to walk properly again or drive or not be in pain. I wish there was just a big switch I could flick and she�d be better again. I�d give her all of my wages if it meant that she�d be well. I can�t handle the thought of her just slowly losing more and more motility; it literally rips me up inside.

And finally yes, I had to cancel the date. He was so lovely and fantastic about it, asking me if there was anything he could do and that he�d have picked me up from the station if he had known. I feel like I�m kidding myself thinking that I can have any kind of relationship with the fucking ME. I can�t do anything for long; hell I can�t even do half of things at all. Who would want that? Who would want to deal with the tiredness and brain fog and cramps and dizziness? I know I fucking well don�t. Jesus, I have been on the verge of tears for most of the day and writing this sodding entry isn�t helping that at all.

I�ve got work tomorrow and the arsing Hep B vaccination. Think I�m going to rearrange it, and see if I could work the afternoon instead. Both Lisa and Linda are in the flat at the moment and I really wish that I were on my own.

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