What would you think of me now
18.10.06, 6:31 pm

If anyone�s still wondering if eating brings happiness, then the answer is HELL YES. Before we get onto more serious matters: watched the final part of Jane Eyre on Sunday night (�She�s very cocky all of a sudden, you know now that she�s got a bit of cash and he�s blind�), after initially being forced to watch it as it�s Lisa�s favourite book ever. We also watched it because I fancy Mr Rochester and she fancies Jane. I do remember hating the book quite a lot when made to read it for GCSE English though, and then having to write a bollocksy essay about gargoyles, rooks and phallic symbolism or something. Although I still got an A for it because I rock all things English. Except my mock English GCSE where I only got a D, basically because I had a headache and couldn�t be arsed.

These last few days have been pretty horrific, if I�m honest. I tried to go to work on Monday afternoon, but had to go home after five minutes because my balance was shit and my vision was shit and I couldn�t think straight. Indie Chick had to walk me to the bus stop to make sure I didn�t fall over. And at some point I lost my swipecard, which just kind�ve summed up the whole day. I shall have to fork out a tenner for a new one at some point. Tuesday at work was quite scary, but I managed the whole morning.

However, I�m glad to report that I�m a bit less whacked today. And here�s where I extend a huge thankyou to the wonderful Herbal Happies, because if I wasn�t on them then I�m pretty sure I�d be slipping towards depression by now. I am officially the poster child for herbal goodness. My dad�s known about their amazing power for longer though, as he tried to make me take them when I was 15 because, quote: �You�re bloody well grumpy enough�.

The new guy rang me Sunday night to �say hello and see if [I�m] okay�. He was very lovely and said that I shouldn�t feel under pressure about seeing him, he�ll still be around and I have all the time I need to rest up and recover. It�s like he can see right into my head, because that was a big giant worry that I had. He also added his name to the list of people worried that I�m not eating properly� I�m guessing my tea of toast and Dairy Milk wasn�t the most nutritionally sound ever. It�s fine, I�m a grown-up, we get to do these things.

Rich rang me last night, and because my phone signal is awful in the flat I went outside into the carpark to talk to him. Partway through he suddenly said, �Hol, can I ask you a question that I can�t ask anybody else in the world? You know multiple orgasms? How common are they?� And so I got to have a wonderful discussion in a public place about multiple orgasms, including a one-sided dialogue of, �Okay, so how far apart are they? Really? You sure it�s not just one long one though? Really�� I swear the whole flat complex knows my entire business due to me having to have most of my phonecalls outside, and that they all think I�m a smacked up brothel owner.

I also watched Forrest Gump last night, as Lisa was out. In my defence, quite an emotional film even when you�re deliriously happy; it ended up as a huge catalyst for everything that is bad at the moment massively affecting me. I lasted until the scene where his mum dies before bursting into tears, and then found myself scrunched into a ball on the sofa sobbing with my head against my knees. I am so glad no one was around to see me like that; I felt like a complete five year-old.

So yeah, I�m a bit of a mess at the moment. And I find it really hard to talk to people about, mostly because I�m scared I�ll just wind up crying but also because I know that there�s not a lot people can do to help.

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