The ususal stuff
15.01.07, 11:01 pm

Thankyou very much for your kind notes. I don�t think this entry is going to be a long depressing account of how awful life can be sometimes, which is surely excellent news. Most of Saturday was spent with James, which provided a brilliant distraction from everything. We went for a walk in Eccleshall Woods, where I came close to collapsing in a dizzy pool due to being completely exhausted at the moment, but the walk up to that part was great, and then spent the rest of the afternoon watching Blackadder, cooking tea and talking about pumpkins made out of cheese. And we had a sleepy conversation about how great we thought each other was. I keep playing the bit where he said, �You�re really fantastic, you know that?� over and over in my head, because who doesn�t like hearing that about themselves? It was really lovely, but in true me style, I felt very guilty that I wasn�t thinking about the anniversary more.

Sunday and today were worse, as I became infected with what I can only describe as angsty energy, which actually is what normally happens so I should really have anticipated it. Lisa and Linda arrived at the exact same time as this arose, which didn�t help in the slightest. I�m a little annoyed that Lisa hasn�t remembered what time of year it is. I don�t know if I�m being unreasonable or not, but I thought she maybe knew me for long enough to remember. And so I�ve been completely childish and not told her, and instead have slunk around the flat giving one-word answers and being completely unsociable. Part of this is down to the angsty energy though, which is totally unpredictable and either makes me laugh hysterically over only mildly amusing things or brings me to the verge of tears for no reason whatsoever. The only way to alleviate it is hours of mindless guitar playing, and consequently my fingers really hurt.

So it seems that Bernie�s anniversary has affected me more, which doesn�t normally happen. It�s probably because the arrival of Ladyfriend has thrown up a lot of unresolved issues. Plus Bernie�s death is the sole reason for my stupid anxiety gig. Oh I�m sorry, I�m such awful company at the moment. It�s possibly evident that I wrote the first paragraph on a different day to today, as today I�ve been in what can only be described as a SHITTY SHITTY mood. Lisa�s also incredibly stressed out about her exams at the moment, and I know she wants to talk about it and have me be all nice and reassuring like I normally am, but I�m just completely intolerant and tired and sad.

I wish anniversaries followed the rules and just made you feel rubbish for their allotted day, rather than spilling over into the surrounding days and generally fucking everything up. However, this won�t last forever, which is surely the main thing.

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