The blues
09.03.14, 4:23 pm

So life sucks at the moment, but not for any particular reason. I'm wary of talking about Feelings here, because I've read my entries from back when I was at uni and having a particularly strong case of Feelings, and I know I sounded like a 13 year-old who'd just discovered that the boy she fancied didn't actually fancy her back. It's very difficult to talk about Feelings without turning into a whining dildo-head. However, Feelings is literally all that has happened since I last wrote, so it's all I have.

For coming up to 4 weeks now, I have been feeling incredibly sad for no reason whatsoever. Nothing bad has happened; there has been no trigger at all. If I can motivate myself to do something, the feelings fade for a while, but they always seem to come back. It honestly feels like someone has died; I have that same dead, leaden feeling in my chest. It's just the worst � I usually know exactly what I'm feeling and why, and I'm usually incredibly stable most of the time, but I just can't sort this.

And to add to it all, I think I've started to dislike myself? Which is something |'ve never really had before and so is also totally weird. I feel like I have no direction in life, and that I have no ambition and nothing to really offer the world. I feel like my career is average, and that I should be doing something better and more important. I feel like I'm not a particularly great person, and that a lot of things in life don't really matter any more.

So obviously this is all totally freaking me out, and DEPRESSION is klaxoning in my head like a fog horn. I don't think it is depression though � there isn't any history of it in my family, and it kind've feels too sudden to be that. Also, as miserable as I am, I think actual depression feels a lot, lot worse and blacker. I can have brighter periods' it's just they always fade eventually. Maybe it's a hormonal thing... I don't know. |t feels a little bit like when I went on Microgynon for a couple of weeks and it made me so depressed that I worried for my sanity. Maybe it's just a really long, intense, pointless hormone thing.

So in a nutshell, I'm sad and worried at the moment. I need to fix this soon, because it's driving me crazy. I went for a walk this morning and felt kind've OK, and then I saw some beautiful crocuses and almost started crying. I mean, what is that? What is happening to me? I can't live like this; this is not me at all. I am not this kind of person.

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