I'm so tired of being here
13.02.06, 3:59 pm

I�m having to play irritatingly happy songs as I write this so that I don�t have some kind of stupid breakdown or anything. I�m sorry that my entries really aren�t too happy at the moment.

Rich came back up to Sheffield yesterday afternoon, and will have left for home again sometime this morning. He ended up going to the pub last night with his friend from home and one of his housemates, and asked us if we�d come too, so I went along with Mel and Vicky. The evening passed okay enough: we played pool and sat around talking, and everything was kept very light and easygoing. His friend from home was way too flippant sometimes with the comments he made though, and I wanted to punch him a few times. Mel was completely manic, which we knew was due to nervousness, but I don�t think Rich realised.

He kept going outside to take phone calls, and would come back each time with tears in his eyes. It was one of the most heartbreaking things ever, because he�s six foot tall and built like a tank, and I�m so used to him telling me dirty jokes and laughing at my stupid innuendos and messing up my hair. Every time we hugged I wanted it to last for three hours. Came home pretty miserable� I�m not sure how the other two felt, but I just felt awful, which normally comes out to other people as me sounding frustrated or grumpy. I�ve felt miserable for the entire weekend to be honest, and I think that now I�ve seen him it�s going to be staying for a while.

I made a cup of tea once we got back, and went up to see Becky for a while. Mel joined us after a while, and we lay around talking about nothing. And then Becky started talking about how her mum had rang her on the way home from church, and was all proud because Becky had talked in front of the whole of the church or something, and I just wanted to cry, for Rich and for me and for all the bad things that have happened. That�s the best way I can explain it.

People are still asking me how I am, and I still keep saying, �Not bad�. Mel�s already said that she thinks I shouldn�t get too involved, even though it�s kind�ve impossible, because she�s worried that it�ll be too hard for me and that Rich might rely on me too much, and might even end up making a move on me or something. Mel�s too insightful for her own good.

It�s just knowing how hard things are going to be for him, and all the shit he�s going to have to go through, and how long it�s all going to take. And then my thoughts have to make it all about me, because I keep getting bad memories, especially when I�m about to go to sleep. I wish I didn�t have to remember so much, but I know it that doesn�t really work like that. It�s not even specific half the time either, just a crappy depressing feeling that sits in my chest and gets carried around everywhere I go. I want my mum to ring me and tell me that I�m doing okay. And then I do my usual thing of wishing that I�d dealt with everything better, that I�d dealt with it the way Rich is dealing with it now, because then I wouldn�t have the stupid anxiety gig and I�d be closer to my family and I�d probably be a better person too. I haven�t actually said that to anyone though, because it sounds stupid and self-obsessed and... I don�t know, other bad selfish adjectives.

last - next