You're so great and I love you
11.02.06, 1:15 pm

I firstly feel the need to clarify a point from the previous entry � I didn�t request that Dave play Blazin� Squad in the car; it�s HIM who likes the song. Dave likes to think that he has excellent music taste, but he still has a way to go yet. As do I, because after I wrote that entry I downloaded the song too, although I only play it when I know Becky�s gone out. She already completely mocks my accent, and so does not need any more material. In retaliation to the mocking I now call her Beck-eh whenever I pass her around the house.

Before I get to the awful bad news, I�ll do a wee round up of recent events first. With regards to my gran, I�ve done what I always do with bad news: feel crappy about it for an evening, and then push it to the back of my mind and get on with things. I can�t do anything about it until the results get back, so until then let things go on as normal.

No I can�t do it, I can�t write about other stuff that doesn�t really matter. Rich texted me at half nine this morning telling me that his mum died last night. She was a chronic alcoholic. I never met her, only had a visual of her from photographs, but she was always a hate figure in my mind for the way that she screwed Rich up so much. He texted me a couple of nights ago to say that the doctor had been round, and that he�d said she was slowly dying, and would last only as long as her body could handle it. I thought it�d be months from now though. I don�t understand how someone could be so self-destructive, who could drink themselves to death knowing that they were leaving their three children behind.

I know it�s not as black-and-white as that, that alcoholism is a disease and not logical. It doesn�t make it fair though, or right. The whole messy situation, that�s been going on for a good two years now and which I don�t have the energy to fully describe, but it does involve an affair, a divorce and other crapness, has completely messed Rich up, and I�m really worried that he�s going to drop out of Uni or hurt himself or something. And I know he hasn�t treated me fantastically recently but who cares, he�s still one of my closest friends and I still love him. I wish he were up here in Sheffield so that I could go see him. I feel so so bad for him. He also said in his text that when he was up to it he�d ring me, so I�ve been carrying my phone around with me obsessively. I even took it in the bathroom when I had a shower. If he doesn�t ring by tonight then I�ll ring him, though I doubt I�ll have anything profound to say. I seem to be the one he wants to talk to up here in Sheffield... I guess I�m the one he�s closest to out of the housekids.

The housekids keep asking me if I�m okay. I keep saying yes, in a really throwaway manner, but I know that I�m not. So what if it brings back stuff though - this isn�t about me at all and I have no right to make it all about me. And I know this is my journal, and consequently very much a me me me fest anyway, and that if you all wanted to know about Rich�s life then you�d go read his journal or whatever, but I still feel horrendous for even vaguely talking about how I�m feeling shit when whatever he�s feeling is infinitely worse. Yes, my thoughts are now continually back in the past with my mum and Bernie and all the badness that surrounds it, but it�s not important. Rich is the one that�s important, and I really wish that he were here so that I could just see him in person.

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