Bit rambling and not too cheery
28.12.05, 9:43 pm

Just remembered my Boxing Day faux pas that took place at the dinner table whilst eating our big Family Time meal. I come out with inappropriate things constantly (and then write them all down in this thing, it seems, which surely just amplifies the badness), and that day was no exception. For some reason my dad was talking about The Simple Life, which is the incredibly annoying program on channel 4 with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Anyway, my gran then went on to say about how they don�t actually do anything with their lives, and I decided to chime in with, �Well, Paris Hilton made that porn film.� My sister gave me a look, but I decided to push on with, �Yeah, it was called A Night in the Hilton. Or no, hang on,.. A Night In Paris, that�s it.� Silence descended until my sister said, �I really wouldn�t know, Hol.� Sigh. I always forget that my family are NOT THE SAME AS MY FRIENDS, and that I have to tone down most aspects of my personality around my gran.

Speaking of my family, my dad�s starting to get on my nerves already. I think it�s because he�s pretty much a male version of me, so arguing with him is like arguing with myself. He�s just now told me that he thinks I take too many painkillers, just because I went to get a Sudafed. I doubt my annoyed, �How the hell would you know? You only see me once every 6 weeks or whatever� helped much. There�s no way I shall be living at home ever again, which automatically makes me feel awful, because soon he�s going to be living all on his own again once my sister leaves for Paris, and it�ll be like it was in first year. Do I come back every other weekend to see him, like I did then? Knowing he�s living on his own in this big empty house makes me feel incredibly guilty and shitty, and I�m not quite sure what to do about it.

Talking about first year has reminded me of the whole chimney thing I was banging on about last entry. My Halls of Residence for first year was a complete and utter dive � just a big grey tower block going from floor A to M. I was on G floor, which meant 6 flights of stairs to lug my stuff up on the first day of first year, and all the subsequent leaving/arriving days. The people on my corridor were mostly lovely though, and are where all the housekids came from. We all sat up till at least four in the morning every night of Freshers Week, because we were all secretly terrified that we�d fall behind in the Making Friends Race otherwise. I feel really old thinking about it now, because I�ve known them all coming up to 3 years and we now have our own house. Hannah is the only housekid who didn�t wish me Happy Christmas on the day� I don�t think she likes me much anymore. I can�t really do much about that, but it still bugs me all the same. I've been nothing but a good friend to her, but it�s never good enough.

Now, some good news that I�ve forgotten to write about recently. I got my cervical smear results back, and don�t have cervical cancer. Well in! I also rang Natwest the other day and extended my overdraft to �1600, so thankfully now have a little more money. This Christmas has been a very expensive one, and I�m bordering on Really Quite Concerned. It�s also apparently going to be snowing in Manchester tomorrow tonight, which I�m sad to say makes me just a little excited.

Have done some revision today (on strokes, aneurysms and epilepsy, so majorly depressing all round), and went for a walk along the canal after lunch. Feeling kind�ve miserable if I�m honest, which is the result of thinking too much about Rich-related things, hypno-related things and life-related things. I�d write about it all but I don�t want to make myself think about it, because therein lies even more pain and depressingness. Also, January�s here soon and I HATE January, so this journal may make depressing reading for a while. Huge apologies for that.

I kind�ve want to go back to Sheffield, although at the same time I don�t. I kind�ve want to stay here, but at the same time I don�t. I don�t think I really know what I want from life anymore, in terms of the kind of person I am. I feel really unhappy but I don't see what I can do about it. That probably makes no sense at all. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this.

last - next