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11.10.05, 1:55 am

I know it's a stupid time of day to be writing an entry, particularly as I've just written one. I'm sorry that my entries at the moment aren't exactly cheerful, and instead bang on about my general pissed offness with most things. It's about to get worse, too. This entry is going to be one of those raw, emotional ones that I'm always unsure about whether to post or not, because they show me as vulnerable and fragile. Here goes.

For some reason the grumpiness that I was feeling earlier melted into depressedness, right after I'd finished writing the previous entry. I sat downstairs and brooded, and Michelle and Mel came back and say hey to me. I was not sociable in the slightest, and could only manage two word answers.

I went to bed soon after, and heard them talking about me as I went up the stairs. Michelle asking Mel if I was alright, and Mel replying that I was ill, and then going on to say something that I didn't catch. I know they're concerned. I know I should talk to them about it.

I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. I can't sleep, because I feel too awful. I feel so lonely it actually almost hurts. My housemates are some of the most wonderful people in the world, but right now I just don't want to talk to them, and I don't know why. My anxiety's still here; I just don't tell anyone. I still spend part of every day feeling scared. Nobody can help me with the anxiety thing... I know I talk about it really flippantly here, but in truth I hate it. I hate it more than anything else in the world. I hate how it makes me feel weak for having it in the first place. I hate the way that it governs my life, and I know that it'll probably never leave me now. I let it fester too long, I didn't deal with it well enough, and now I'm just stuck with it, like an unwanted house guest.

Writing that last sentence has made me want to cry. If I'm honest, right now I feel kind've worthless. It's possibly a misconception, but right now I don't feel like I have much to offer anyone. All I have at the moment is a stupid anxiety gig, an inability to be a decent friend and a complete lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile. God, what is wrong with me? And all this sitting around feeling sorry for myself is incredibly frustrating, but I seem have lost the will to make myself feel better. I'd rather just sit and stare at the walls.

Had a mad urge to just control X everything then, but I resisted. I'm exhausted, and will probably feel a little better in the morning. I'm sorry if this brought anyone down.

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