I'll probably delete this tomorrow
16th August 2005, 7:29 pm

Sorry for the second entry today. This one will be a lot more angst-based than the last one though.

The Adam thing... it's an interesting one. It's not him so much that I'm bothered about; we hardly knew each other. Incidently the Friends thing is due to him just having come out of a relationship.

Adam text: I've just come out of a relationship and wanna bit of time to myself. It's not you. Sorry.

My text: Yeah you didn't mention anything about this before. Probably for the best though, you're maybe too young anyway.

Wanker. It's not him though that bothers me. And here's where I'm going to get brutally honest, and will probably read this over tomorrow and decide to delete this entry, because people reading stuff about me that's this deep makes me feel a little too vulnerable. Reading the account of my day-to-day existance is fine; reading about my rawest feelings maybe not so fine. Here we go then.

It's the fact that I'm still on my own. Once again the boy manages to resist my charms. I still want Paddy, of course I still want Paddy, but I doubt I'll ever get him. Because I'm just the Best Friend, the one he can tell anything to but not see in a different light. I think I'm sick of being lonely... or not necessarly lonely, but of being so independent. Yeah, I can do the independence gig really well, but it's not fun all the time. And I know that I "don't need a man to complete me" etc etc, but that's not saying that one would be nice. Someone that I was everything to.

My mum died, and I shut myself in, so that I wouldn't have to go through that again. And then Bernie died, and I shut myself in even deeper. I never let people in that far, I'm always cynical and dry and unconcerned, even though it's really not like that when you go deep enough down. I doubt I'll ever let anyone in enough for them to feel like they truly know me through and through. It must be so frustrating for my friends. It's frustrating enough for me, finding it so easy to pour my heart out to this little white box, but never to anyone real.

I don't know what I want. I know that I don't want to have to say goodbye forever to anyone else ever again. And isn't that what relationships are always about? Yeah, it's fantastic when it's happening, but they usually end at some point. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone or something.

I won't tell my dad and my sister about my anxiety coming back because I feel like a failure. I won't tell my friends that I sometimes feel like the loneliest person in the world because it makes me feel pathetic. Instead I'll sit and summarize my feelings in a few paragraphs, listen to Radiohead and maybe cry later on. If I'm lucky.

last - next