The end is nigh
31.12.05, 12:52 pm

So here we are, with another year gone. God, I can�t believe another year�s gone; I can�t believe I have another year�s worth of stuff archived here. Excuse me whilst I go think about 2005 for a paragraph or two� I know I know, it�s all old news but I feel like I need to. It�s my attempt at paying homage to it:

To be honest (and yeah, sorry but we�re going to get serious here), this year�s been dominated by the anxiety gig - the sodding, wankering, evil hellspawn that is the anxiety gig. By the end of January it had completely taken a hold and dragged me under, and then proceeded to fuck my life over good and proper. I�m relieved to say that I think it�s now loosening its hold on me, and finally fading into the background, but those first few months of the year were complete hell. The lowest point was probably that day in March where I finally couldn�t take any more and had a complete breakdown, cried down the phone to my sister twice because I was so bloody scared at what my life was turning into, and then went to the doctors about it all. Where Dr Personality finally prescribed me the beta blockers (thank god for them, they gave me the helping hand to stop the downward spiral), after firstly trying to make me take anti-depressants. I know what depression�s all about and I wasn�t depressed then, so there was no way I was going on them, but she still managed to make me panic that I�d eventually slip into depression. Thanks for that, doctor, you really brightened my mood. But yeah, it�s not been the funnest of years. There was also the whole Lindz�s brother committing suicide as well, and going down for the funeral. Another truly horrible day that I wouldn�t want to do again.

There were good parts too though. The summer, bar the anxiety blips, was absolutely fantastic, and living with Em and working in the lab on the MND project was definitely the best and most worthwhile thing I�ve done ever. All the time that I�ve spent with my friends has been brilliant (hell, even the brief time I spent with Matt was fun), all the gigs and concerts I�ve been to have been kick, and third year has mostly been a lot of fun, bar the huge work amount. Ooh, and I finally quit smoking for good. And I�ve done both counselling and hypnotherapy, which at least means I get to tick them off the list of Things To Try. Before I Die. Other things I got to tick off on that list include making a bet on a race, experiencing cystitis, making jelly, cooking an entire roast dinner, having a smear test (yeah, you know I�m still proud) and getting a 1st in a module. When I think back over the year I don�t really see it as a bad year, despite all the crap that�s happened� I guess that�s healthier than hating it.

So, 2006. The year of me turning 21, graduating, living with Lisa and getting a proper job. God, it all sounds so old. Well, I am old; I guess there�s no getting away from the fact. This year I want to do really well in my exams, graduate with a 2:1, show that I have the brains to get a good degree. I want to continue my gym drive, keep in shape. I want to try and keep the peace with the housekids, spend as much time with them as possible before we graduate, and keep putting the effort into my other friendships, especially with the friends that I don�t get to see often enough. I want to completely shake off the anxiety gig, stop being so flippant about my bad stuff, and let people into my head more. Finally, I want to keep this journal going at least until I leave uni.

Okay, year round-up and New Year�s Resolutions are complete; there�s only one thing left to say really. Thankyou to everyone who reads this, both the people at Diaryland and the people who stumbled across this thing randomly and decided to keep coming back (god, I just stretched after writing that and feel like I�ve broken something in my back� moving is proving difficult). I find it incredibly and massively flattering that you all continue to check in and read about my rambling life, and knowing that you do definitely motivates me to keep writing. I like to wish you all a huge Happy New Year and hope that you have a fantastic 2006.