All about "feelings"
9th August 2005, 10:46 am

Look what I've made!

Digital cameras are so damn fun. I was kept entertained by mine for at least half an hour, which was when the batteries ran out. And my crappy computer didn't fall over when I installed the software either, though it made up for this by doing its usual boring trick of freezing whenever I connect something to the USB port. That trick's getting old, computer, sort yourself out.

I went out for a couple of drinks with Paddy last night, and brought up the subject of Adam. That was interesting, discussing the Potential Boyfriend with The Boyfriend That Should Have Been. I may have completely imagined it, but I'm sure he looked a little disappointed when I said that I'd been on a date. Paddy's one of the my closest friends, maybe even the closest sometimes, and I'd like to think that I've gotten pretty good at reading him. It may just have been all in my head though. If he was disappointed, and we'll assume for the moment that he was, then it makes me simultaneously annoyed and glad. Annoyed because it's his fault we never gave things another go, and that he has no right to expect me to stay single in case he changes his mind, and glad because it shows that he does still want me in that way, and he's maybe now feeling a little of what I've been feeling for the last year or so. After these two feelings, I then feel bad for feeling the happy side, and angry at myself for discounting Adam's feelings in all this. I refuse to use him as a ploy to make Paddy jealous... I don't even know if Paddy and I would work anymore. Maybe we're now too close to make a relationship an option.

Anyway, it was interesting, and hopefully all these "feelings" will sod off when I see Adam next week. I'll try not to think about it until then.

Came home after the drink and felt seriously depressed, for reasons that I couldn't pinpoint, but I think is a mixture of the Paddy situation and my anxiety. Yes, it's back for Round 2... I've been trying to deny to myself that it's not really back, but it is. I then played my Life Crisis song (damn you, Damien) and had ever-cheerful thoughts like, "This is such a load of bollocks, you are so fucked up. How the hell can you even think about starting a relationship with someone when you have this shit still affecting you? Who is going to want to get to know someone like you anyway? Someone who's obviously crazy." running round my head. Yeah, they helped my mood loads.

I went to bed then, and because I was knacked from insomnia I managed to fall asleep straight away. Today I feel kind've depressed still, and unsure about what to do with regards to my anxiety. It seems to boil down to a case of 1/ Take the Propranolol and feel anxious for one reason or 2/ Come off the Propranolol and feel anxious for another reason. It's a tricky one.

Work's going okay though, and providing a welcome distraction. Also, Mel's back this afternoon, and whilst she may be completely stressed by her exams she's still company, and still someone to talk to.

Bit of an intense entry today.

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