Taking a turn for the worst
10th August 2005, 9:13 am

Disclaimer: This is probably going to be quite an angsty entry, so if you're a wee bit depressed already then I'd suggest putting off reading it until another time.

I had quite a good day yesterday, up to a point. I trundled down to the Children's Hospital with Mini Boss, to take some sequencing down, and got to see the genetic screening lab. That lab is the one where they do tests for couples for cystic fibrosis, to work out the chances of their child inheriting the disease. Came back, did some DNA editing, went home.

Mel was back, with her parents. Her parents mollycoddle her an inordinate amount... I mean I know she has a couple of exams, but still. Mel's also got very high stress levels due to these exams and Iain. The Iain problems stem from him telling her that he has fantasies about girls in FHM and on the telly and that. I then had the job of explaining to her that this is completely normal, and that all men and most women have fantasies, and that they're nothing to worry about.

Mel has never had one fantasy, and doesn't understand them at all. She then asked me how she was meant to live up to them, and that surely she'll just always be inferior. I told her that they don't work like that, that the fun of fantasies is that they are never going to happen, and would probably be an anticlimax if they did. I felt like I was running a Sex Education class.

Anyway, she's in Exam Central and stressed, even though she'll pass these with at least a 2:1. I watched Sugar Rush and half of Sex And The City, and then tried to get to sleep. Failed.

My anxiety came back, in a bit fat way. I got more and more worked up, and in the end phoned Lisa. She was asleep though, or her phone died or something, but I couldn't get through. I then suddenly had the always-a-bad-thing thought of, "God, I wish Mum was here." And that made me cry actually, I sat and had a wee cry for the first time in about 6 months. Man, that was depressing.

I had the usual thoughts of "you're never going to get better" and "why the hell are you being like this?," coupled with "why is Adam going to want to get to know you when you have this shit going on anyway?" and "I bet if Mum was here then things could be sorted out". And then I had the inevitable "if Mum hadn't died then this wouldn't even be happening" thought. And then everything was bad.

I got to sleep about half two, and am a bit dead at my desk. Thank god for work, it's my only distraction at the moment. On the walk to work my mini disk played me nothing but depressing songs. It knows, somehow it knows.

I honestly don't know what to do, with regards to this whole issue. Maybe I should go back to the doctors, tell them that the Propraolol are making me anxious as opposed to helping. I don't want to though, because surely they'll just see me as a timewaster. I've had so many doctors appointments this summer alone, surely they're gonna be pissed off if I turn up again. I think I've had enough though, I'm honestly finding it really hard dealing with the constant fear and worry. I'm about three million miles away from the person that I used to be, or at least it feels like that.

I hope I get through this day okay; I'm feeling a wee bit fragile. I haven't told any of my friends or family that I'm anxious again, I don't want to have to admit it. I also feel like I don't want their help, that it's my fault it's come back so I should have to deal with it on my own. It feels like the smallest, stupidest thing could just make me burst into tears. I have to go run a PCR though, and carry on like everything is fine. It's really not, though.

last - next