Karma
29.09.05, 10:36 pm

Sorry for the generally shit earlier entry. I don't really know how to start this one. Matt's just rang me and dropped a bombshell along the lines of "I'm not sure what I want, or how I feel about anything". I think I've just experienced karma; I guess it serves me right.

I'd just spent the previous hour and a half talking to Hannah down in the kitchen about the whole Paddy/Matt thing. A whole 'I'm in love with Paddy, and so is the thing with Matt second best, and should I ask Paddy to be completely honest with me and tell me if he feels anything, and if he doesn't would me then going to Matt be a compromise, as well as being morally awful?' If Paddy didn't feel that way about me there's no doubt I'd be heartbroken, but the chances of him admitting that he does feel something for me are incredibly tiny, and even if he did admit it I wouldn't know what to do with it.

And where does Matt fit in in all of this? Good bloody question. He's lovely and nice and makes me laugh, but on the other hand he's not Paddy. But then I don't want to hurt him, or throw away something that could be great, but on the other hand I don't know if I'm just lying to myself.

All this doesn't matter though, because he's just rang, and the conversation consisted of me asking questions ("I don't understand what the problem is. It's only been 5 weeks. Do you want a relationship? Why did you bring this up if you don't even know what you're trying to say?"") and him answering "I don't know." ("Why are you letting past relationship experiences influence how you feel now? Is there something wrong with me? There must be for you to not be sure about what you want.") And then then I got angry, and then quiet, and then he got upset. I told him to think everything over, and once he's reached a decision to ring me and let me know. I don't even know how I feel - I've just downed a load of Baileys to numb everything.

This is so blatantly karma. I am possibly the crappiest person in existance.

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