The end
30.09.05, 8:30 pm

This is the email I'm just about to send to Matt:

I felt like I needed to tell you some things, if anything to get some closure on the matter.

Firstly, I'd like to point out that you've not yet given me a clear reason as to why we've ended things. You say that you see long-term relationships as ultimately leading to nothing but marriage (which to me is crazy, and thinking about the future way too much), and then a minute later say that you want to see other people as well as me. Whereas last night you sat and said that you don't want to see other people, and that you are arsed about our relationship. Clearly you're not. Clearly you also have a commitment problem... what are you afraid of?

I think basically you don't have any experience of relationships, and that you don't really understand how they work. Relationships have to be worked at and built on... you don't fall in love after a week, which is how you seem to think it works.

You never answered my question of why you didn't mention your commitment phobia earlier, or if you were even going to mention it at all. You've completely screwed me up and made me feel like shit, and I feel that all the time and effort I put into seeing you was a complete waste. Thanks for that. I'm only glad that it didn't get any further than it did, otherwise I'd have felt even worse than I do right now.

Holly

I think that pretty much sums everything up over the situation. I still feel fucked off and crappy and all things bad, but I don't think it's properly sunk in yet. At the moment I'm riding a wave of pissed offness, which is just fine by me. Later on tonight I'll probably get really upset, but for now angry is fine.

Not going to think about the Paddy situation at all right now. Therein just lies more pain and angst.

My housemates are being lovely about the whole thing, with Mel buying me a Boost to make me happy and Hannah telling me that I'm not a crap person, and that I don't deserve it. Thankyou, also, to all the people who left me notes. I went out and bought a big greasy takeaway for my tea, and it rocked lots. For now though, I need to keep distracting myself.

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