Bit of late-night angst
27th August 2005, 10:35 pm

I seem to have a need to write a hell of a lot of entries at the moment. Most of them are the usual bullshitty, semi-interesting entries, but a few of them actually mean something. I think this entry will be one of the latter.

I watched the Casualty special tonight with Emily, which was about the dilemma of organ donation. I shouldn�t have watched it, I knew it�d do nothing but stir up old memories, but I didn�t want to leave halfway through, because Em would then know that something was wrong. A stupid reason indeed, but it�s typical me behaviour. The whole program was bullshit anyway, not least because you don�t get a whole room to on your own to say goodbye; you get a curtained off section of the ICU ward. And the person doesn�t even look that peaceful, because when they put in the breathing tube they tape it in place and pull the tongue out, so that there�s no risk of choking or swallowing the tongue. It only half looked like Bernie when I went to do my goodbyes� the weirdest thing was that when I reached out to hold her hand I was surprised when her skin felt warm. For some reason I was expecting it to be cool. Anyway.

It made me think of big bad memories, which is to be expected, I know. My main memory is of the co-ordinator for organ donation telling us that, during the organ donation, �Bernie will be treated with the same care and respect as if she were undergoing an operation.� That and the nurse telling Bernie that she was about to check her pupils for constriction whenever she did the routine checks, even though Bernie would have had no idea that that was happening, because she had been brain dead for many, many hours. It was respectful, and at the time I appreciated it.

Going to Matt�s soon. I keep getting these little niggling, �Is it really worth it? Is it worth all of the effort?� thoughts, mainly because I�m so used to being on my own. I�m kind�ve reluctant to open myself up in that way. Maybe I�m not really cut out for relationships in general, too scared of getting hurt. I should give it a go though at least, because I can�t stay on my own forever.

I have a good feeling about this relationship� after all, we�ve spoken every day on the phone, and he�s already endured one drunken conversation of mine. I don�t know, I guess I�m just not used to all this �feeling�, or maybe not so much �not used to�, more �forgotten how it�s like�. Reading this back over again now, I�m thinking that I should just stop over-analysing and just go for it, get really close to the boy and see where it takes me.

The Casualty thing still sucked ass though.

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