The Matt issue
30th August 2005, 8:33 am

It's actually really depressing how tired I feel. Another day planned of making love to the PCR machine (not literally) and writing up my lab notebook. And maybe colour-coding my spreadsheet or something.

So, the weekend. A lovely time was definately had, and it was fantastic to see the boy and piss around in Bradford with him. Can't you tell there's a BUT coming up here?

I don't know if you remember this depressing entry, but that entry turns out to be a complete load of bollocks. Because after a while I started feeling claustraphobic from the constant attention he was giving me. I'm not used to someone focussing on me for a long time; I'm not used to the near constant contact and feeling of security. To many people Matt's attention towards me would have felt safe and secure. To me, it just felt a little stifling and uncomfortable.

I rang Lisa and told her all of this after getting home last night, and she was very lovely in listening to my disjointed explanation of my feelings, and tried to tell me that it wasn't completely weird what I was feeling. I just worry that instead of it just being a case of getting used to the situation, it's actually me where the problem lies. In that I have some kind of closeness phobia, or that I'm just a freak.

Lying in bed - no, we didn't sleep together for the record, it's way too early - he was insistent on cuddling up to me, and whilst this idea sounds really appealling in my head, in practise it just made me feel a little closed in. All I wanted to do was sleep.

It's important to note that whilst talking to Jo about this randomly on MSN last night, she asked me if I was being over-analytical before I'd even told her what the problem was. The best plan would probably be to just take it as it comes, see how it goes next time I see him, and if there's a still a problem then to talk to him about it.

That looks so simple written down.

Sidenote: Just returning briefly to the daily grind of work for a second. The girl next to me - we'll call her Evil for simplicity's sake - blatantly can't stand me, ever since she returned one lunchtime to find me briefly resting my feet on her chair whilst I was talking to Netherlands Chick. I don't think my crime justifies her level of hatred in the slightest.

last - next