Another lazy Sunday
27.11.05, 9:11 pm

Just talked to Rich about it all. He came over about half an hour ago, and after all the housekids left the kitchen I sat up on the counter and gave it to him with both barrels. Well, actually it was probably just one barrel, because I seem to be unable to stay angry. I kind've get angry very quickly and then lose it very quickly, and after that I'm on the usual level. Seeing as this happened yesterday I'd lost my angry vibe, but I did the best I could.

Anyway, he said he'd realised how shit he'd been, and then I said something like, "You can't just keep messing me around, leading me on when you're bored, before turning around at the end and saying you don't want to. You make me feel..." and my voice suddenly cracked here and took me by surprise, and I had to swallow and grit my teeth, "you make me feel like I'm just this cheap whore hanging around waiting for you to change your mind." He apologised and seemed generally all messed up about it. I have no idea what I want anymore, but I'm hoping he stops screwing me around.

He gave me a hug before he left, which I guess reminded me that he's been an absolutely fantastic friend to me, despite all of this. He was the one who came over to my house at two in the morning to sit with me when I was in the middle of one of my bloody stupid anxiety freakouts. As long as I don't lose him as a friend then I should theoretically be happy with whatever happens. Wow, that almost sounded convincing.

We made a huge Sunday roast this evening, which was amazing. I think I've finally shown the world that I'm an adult because I can cook an entire roast dinner. The rest of my day has been pretty uneventful, in that I got up at half twelve and spent the rest of my time pretending to do lots and lots of work. In reality I've just written the one paragraph, and even that was mostly bulletpoints. Yesterday was more profitable, as I went to the gym, worked all afternoon, cooked tea and then watched The X Factor. I got six weird looks in response to my excited, "Aww, I can't wait for Brenda, she is looking foxy tonight!"

Tried on my new scarf and gloves yesterday, and whilst they are fantastically warm I had to admit to Becky: "These gloves are designed for someone with normal sized hands. Clearly my hands belong to a munchkin". I have never met anyone with smaller hands than myself; I've just measured my little finger and it's 4.5 cm long. You can get caterpillars longer than that.

I was reading through a few of my old entries earlier on today, because it was more exciting than my report, and it made me realise that how I write is exactly the same as how I am in real life. I'm not sure if that's worrying or not. So all the randomness and flippantness and general rambling is how I actually speak, although I talk with a Nottinghamshire accent too. Saying that though, being at uni's really diminished my accent, mainly because most of the housekids are really well spoken, and all you really notice is that I miss out consonants in the middle of words, usually T's, so that "Nottingham" become "Noh-ingham"; and I say "an it" rather than "isn't it" and "owt" instead of "anything". Oh, and I say "teck" instead of "take" and "meck" instead of "make".

It's probably best this way, because the Nottinghamshire accent is not the classiest of accents. I only noticed that mine had faded when Lise rang today (just split from her three year boyfriend, so understandably more than a little devastated) and reminded me of how I used to sound. The accent always comes back when someone from Notts rings, or when I go down there to see my gran. God, I miss Nottingham. I miss my friends more than anything, and I hardly get to see them with living in Manchester now. Not that Manc's not great too, it is, it's just not really home.

Hannah showed me how to pirouette in the kitchen earlier, because she did dancing for years and years. I was not very good at it - I've realised that I don't have a lot of balance... that's probably the reason I can't ice-skate or roller-skate either. Don't think Michelle really appreciated us spinning around whilst she was trying to sort out the yorkshire puddings. Sorry, Michelle.

Another drink with the Neuroscience kids planned for tomorrow night. I shall not be getting as drunk as I did last time, or at least I hope I don't.

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