Letter revised
26.11.05, 10:51 am

Dear Holly,

Just thought I'd ask what the hell you thought you were doing, getting into another of those conversations with Rich. Because after going through the same routine of him not knowing what he wanted, and whether he should wait to lose his virginity or not, it's ended exactly the same way as it did previously, with him rejecting you. And once again you're feeling cheap and hurt. I find it a little worrying how desperate you appear for affection of some kind, and a little sad how easy it was for you to start hoping that Rich was maybe interested again. Do you not have any standards at all? Blatantly this will happen every time he starts to flirt with you. Do you feel so crap about yourself that you'll always be like this around him, waiting for him to throw you scraps because his attention makes you feel good about yourself? I suggest that you have a good hard think about what kind of mess you're turning into, and maybe try and find some semblance of self-esteem whilst you're at it.

Yours sincerely,

Holly's Conscience

I've just been pacing round my kitchen with a bowl of cereal in my hand, thinking. I wrote the above entry last night at about half twelve. Waking up this morning though, I've become less angry at myself and more angry at him. In fact, I'm really quite fucked off with him. Yes I was pretty crap, but he was crapper, and I could go on the whole "I'm an awful person" spiel but I've already done that, and it seems pointless to do it again. Plus I think he's behaved worse - saying that he'll stop the flirting conversations and that he doesn't want to upset me again, and then doing both of those things last night. I probably shouldn't have jumped when he said "jump",, nor thought about jumping at all, but he shouldn't have made out that he was interested again, before rejecting me without even apologising for the way he's been treating me. He was so apologetic the last time this all happened, and the way that he made me feel cheap and crap, and yet he goes and does exactly the same thing again just TWO WEEKS LATER.

I'm going to the gym to burn off some of this excess anger, and then I think I might have it out with him, because I'm sick of the way I convince myself that everything's all my fault. I think Lisa was right when she told me he was "being a complete nob".

last - next