My lovely lovely lovely horse
13th September 2005, 3:11 pm

I think my hormones are finding it absolutely hilarious just how easy my defences are to break down at the moment. They're definately making the whole best-friend-going-away-for-a-year concept a lot harder to handle, as well as generally fucking my mood around. I've realised that you have to take the fight to the hormones though, so got up at half nine this morning and went the gym. Did a big-ass workout of 350 calories and felt a wee bit better for a while. The sooner I come on the better for everyone in my world.

I think once all the house kids move back, and people like Dave, Rich, Paddy and Amy are all knocking around again, and I'm back going to lectures and having fun, then I'll feel a lot better. Luckily this process will be starting from this weekend, so there's not long left now.

Right, so I'd better talk about the Matt. Man, this is going to be hard work. Okay, so all in all the weekend was really nice with him here, and it was definately easier than the weekend before. Still got a little claustraphobic at times though, and by Sunday afternoon I was ready for him to go home.

It's just the nature of the situation that I'm finding tricky. A normal relationship would start off with us seeing each other short and often, and then progress to spending longer periods of time together. We, however, have to wait till the weekends and get everything done then. I always feel a great deal of pressure in getting everything right, and making the most of things. I think he picked up on me being a little withdrawn on Sunday evening, and consequently was a little quiet when we were saying goodbye at the tram stop. I'm consequently a little worried about how he feels about everything.

I do really like him... he's a lot like me, and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun. I worry that he thinks I go hot and cold a lot, and that I'm not affectionate enough. I think either today or tomorrow I'm going to write everything that I've just written about here in an email to him, though obviously with some censoring and sugaring, so that he knows how I feel about everyhting.

I also think I'm going up this weekend, but for only a day and a night. That is a perfectly handleable amount of time. He's ready for sex but I don't think I'm quite ready yet... I don't think we've spent quite enough time together. That'll be something else that I'll worry about a little.

Rang my dad last night, and talking to him about random boring stuff lifted my mood a little. Right now I'm still quite fragile though, due to angst + MEGA hormones. Listening to even a mildly sad song like Greenday - Wake Me Up When September Ends would probably cause me to break down, which is why I'm instead listening to The Divine Comedy - My Lovely Horse. These hormones are not going down without a fight.

I want to shower you with sugarlumps and ride you over fences
Polish your hooves every single day and bring you to the horse dentist
My lovely lovely lovely horse...

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