You shouldn't let 'em make you mad
11.05.06, 10:38 pm

Sunniest day ever today, Sheffield totally rocks (Zoe). Having to go to lectures and doing the revision thing is so boring when all you want to do is lie around in the park and sunbathe. However, tomorrow is my last ever lecture tomorrow � I just checked my timetable for you lot this second and it�s BMS305 Neurogastroenterology with Dr Dave Grundy in Biology Lecture Theatre 1 � and it all feels quite poignant. I may have to take my camera along to capture the magic.

I went to the doctors this morning, Mel in tow again, as I think she�s currently decided to adopt the position of my surrogate mother, especially as my dad�s so useless at anything that requires any kind of empathy. My doctor, who I�ll just call Doctor from now on for simplicity, didn�t seem too concerned about my blood test results, which is something I guess, and basically just admitted that he doesn�t know what�s wrong with me. He�s booked me in for some repeat blood tests next Friday, and told me to come back in a fortnight for a reassess. My referrals will apparently take a good two to three months to appear, and I�m to go see him before a fortnight if any new symptoms appear or if things get dramatically worse.

The thought of me having to feel like this for three more months makes me want to punch someone in the face. I had to go meet up with the Neuroscience kids after my appointment to discuss the cancer essay that we�re jointly writing � went and sat in Bar One and tried to care about prostate cancer. I briefly told Paddy what was going on, not really wanting to, and he rambled on with various vague comforting statements. I don�t care what he thinks; he doesn�t really understand how much it�s affecting me. I�m the worst company ever at the moment; I�m incredibly tired and frustrated and so very up-and-down. This diary will probably therefore reflect this quite a lot for the foreseeable future, and for that I apologise.

I�m such a moron as well. Not being able to things always annoys me, and today I sat and forced myself to play guitar even though it hurt and knacked my muscles, to the point where my fingers wouldn�t even press down on the frets properly and I just sounded crap, all in some stupid attempt to get one over on the mystery illness. When walking back from Uni hurts I make myself walk faster, because it�s so stupid that before I could do a 90 minute session at the gym and not feel tired, and yet going in for a lecture and back (7 minute walk each way) now requires a lie-down when I get back up to my room.

I texted my dad to let him know that my results are okay, and that it�s just a case of waiting now, and have gotten no reply. He doesn�t really care� he thinks I�m just making myself ill. Sorry, this entry is just one big whine. I�m trying to get it out of my system, because when I got back from the doctors this morning I stupidly filled up in the kitchen whilst making a cup of tea. However, if this mystery illness thinks that I�m going to cry over it then it can go fuck itself, to be quite honest. Okay fine, so the signs are there that I�m heading for some kind of breakdown, but for the time being we�ll go with the idea of my willpower being second to none.

Oh, finishing the brief summary of today, I�ve also had annoying big sick feeling all day (pretty sure Hannah has poisoned me, as she cooked tea last night and is notoriously crap at it) and a boring sinus headache to top it off. I�ve done no revision as a consequence of this, and have only eaten two pieces of bread all day. So everything can just fuck off at the moment, to be honest.

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