No alarms and no surprises please
05.02.06, 4:04 pm

Sunday morning is STUPID DANCING TIME, y�all, because Becky is at church and I get to play things very loudly. Stupid dancing always makes you feel better, especially as we had The Big Confrontation last night. I�ll get to that later though. Actually no, I�ll do it now; it�s pretty much the only event worth recording.

So, last night saw us all (bar Em, who wisely decided to go out and do something fun instead) sitting downstairs watching Talented Mr Ripley, waiting for someone to actually make the effort and start the whole talking thing. To briefly outline the situation, because I know it�s boring: Hannah thinks we don�t care about her and always feels left out; she thinks we have Secret Fun and don�t involve her; there�s been a horrendous atmosphere in the house the past few days with her ignoring us and eating in her room, which has affected me the most because everyone else has gone home for a few days and gotten to escape it except me. Michelle and Vicky came back home yesterday, making us a full house once again, and we decided to get the whole thing sorted out. I�d like to also note that the whole thing�s completely unjustified as well � obviously this is my journal and I�m going to say that anyway, but still, trust me. No one ignores her, no one leaves her out and she simply sits in her room and thinks up these crazy conspiracy theories. And listens in on other people�s conversations, which makes me incredibly paranoid.

So eventually we got started, and it was the usual shit that just went round and round in circles forever. And I got more and more frustrated, and eventually kind�ve lost it and said something like: �These last few days have been a complete nightmare. We all knew there was a problem but you just kept ignoring us, or hiding in your room, instead of coming and talking about it. And you just said now, �Yeah and it�s always my fault�, but have I actually done anything wrong? Seriously, what I have done wrong? And is there actually anything I could do to make things easier for you? I feel like I can't go into Mel's room because you'll be listening out for it, or I can't go see Becky because you can hear us laughing through the floor and start imagining that we're having secret fun. You act like you want us to all sort things out for you, but you have to admit that it�s partly the situation�s fault and... well mostly your fault. And I just see this whole thing coming back around in a few weeks� time, and every time it does come back around I get more and more annoyed. If you want things to change then you�re going to have to change yourself, not just expect everyone else to make things better for you, otherwise it�ll all just stay as it is now.�

God, I really can talk for England. And I think I went on for longer than that too. Eventually I decided to stop, because she started to look really upset and just stayed silent. I�m not really used to that. With all the huge, horrible arguments I�ve had with my dad in the past, he always shouted right back at me and make me feel like I was justified, but she just sat there hugging her knees and taking it. So I got up, said, �I�m going to go� I don�t want to talk anymore� and left, and went and sat in my room, because she was about to cry and I already felt kind�ve bad as it was. Plus I didn�t want to end up saying something I regretted. Becky came up in a bit to check I was okay, and told me that she�d cried a lot once I�d left and thought that I was really pissed off at her.

I went down and talked to her again after a while (my guilt complex is mahussive), told her that I didn�t mean to sound harsh, and said a load of serious stuff about how she needs to sort herself out and stop over-analysing things and open herself up more to other people. I guess the question now is whether she�s actually going to take it on board and do anything about it, or whether it�ll all just come around in another few weeks' time. If it does then I really will kick off. I�m already a little concerned as I�m she was listening outside Mel�s door to the conversation that we were having this morning in her room. Our truly fascinating conversation about whether Marissa is actually that pretty or not. I just feel kind've shitty and I don't know why, because you're meant to feel better after an argument with everything being out in the open and that. It's weird; it kind've feels like PMT.

Yeah, Mel forced me to watch The OC whilst she got ready; it wasn�t pretty. I ended up hanging off her bed upside-down, half watching it whilst remarking every fifteen minutes, �My god, you�re still straightening your hair. Man alive. Man. Alive.� I swear she was doing it for about an hour. Her, Becky and Michelle have gone off to the NME tour in Manchester with Dave � Michelle is very cute and said the other day on the phone, �Yeah, we�re apparently going to see the Arctic Monkeys� I don�t really know who they are, but I�m sure I�ll know some of their songs.� It�s impossible to live in this town and NOT know who they are � although I don�t really rate them that much � and even Look North for Lincolnshire and Hull puts them on the news because they�re blatant glory hunters. I�m not going to the tour because I have no money. Instead I�m going to play some gee-tar and maybe do some washing. Rock on.

Oh, lectures start tomorrow morning. I�ve just checked my timetable and apparently only have Cancer Biology at 12pm. Whilst we�re on the subject of cancer, I�d like to note that the Virgin cancer insurance ad that�s on the telly at the moment really really offends me, and anyone in my vicinity always gets me ranting about it whenever it comes on. It completely trivialises cancer and I hate it.

Em crashed in at half one this morning, just as Hannah and me had finished our big serious talk, drunk and in tears, solely because the taxi driver apparently hadn�t given her enough change. You know, maybe I need to get away from this place for a while. Everything�s all awkward post-Hannah confrontation and it gets to you after a while.

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