Anxiety monster in my chest
1st August 2005, 10:55 am

Insomnia - just curl up and fucking die PLEASE.

So, the minor anxiety relapse I had last week may not be so minor after all. In fact, my anxiety may be coming back. This worries me a little - okay fine, terrifies me - because I thought that I was over all that, and I don't know if I can handle going back to the way that I was a few months ago. I'm hoping that it's just a minor setback, just a mixture of me living on my tod at the moment with some intense PMT.

What if it isn't though? Is this what my life's going to be like from now on? Just going through endless cycles of anxious, not so anxious, anxious, not so anxious. I really want to make a joke out of all of this, because humour usually makes everything seem better and easier, but I can't, it's just too serious and worrying and frightening. And depressing too, my Life Crisis song is begging me to play it, but I have resisted thus far (Yes, I'm talking about you, Cold Water). I can handle it at the moment, but it just drains the life out of me, makes me depressed and withdrawn, and then at night I start wondering if I'm actually going insane, and whether I need to be sectioned ASAP.

Some decent sleep would be nice too.

Anyway, bar all of that my weekend's been okay. Practically lived at the gym, due to the house being completely empty (Em went home for three weeks last Friday). I found myself getting stupidly competetive on the arm spinning things, for as soon as someone sat down on the machine next to me I found myself a) doing another two minutes and b) going up a level of resistance, even though the person who sat down next to me was not the standard Smug Gym Girl that I had anticipated, but a middle aged woman with a mullet.

Ah, Minga's back in the Big Brother house, joy joy joy. Also, the horse-naming spiel was fantastic:

Big Brother: Name the famous horse that Big Brother is thinking of.
Anthony: Erm, well I think Dogtanian had a horse called Sandy?
Big Brother (deadpan): Sandy from Dogtanian. The cartoon with all the dogs. Poor, Anthony, poor. Get out.

Ha! I remember Dogtanian too, along with Albert the Fifth Musketeer ("He's sharp, he's cool, he's nobody's fool, he's Albert the Fifth Musketeer!").

Going back to Manchester this weekend, to celebrate the birth of my father on Sunday. Apparently Ciaran and Lulu are up too, so it'll be a full house. May find that a little overwhelming after living solo for a while. My sister rang last night, just as I was in the middle of nearly burning the kitchen down, as I left the grill on top of a hob that was still on, before wandering off to eat my tea. I came back, looking for the ringing hphone, to find a kitchen full of smoke and a horrible smell of burning fat. Thank god the alarm didn't go off, as I think we have to pay an 80 quid fine or something everytime it goes off accidently.

Think I'm coming under attack from another wave of hormones right now, suddenly feeling reat pissed off at the world. I may counter this by going to the canteen and buying food, as food always makes me happy. Yes, I'm feeling too miserable to even try and make this a half-decent entry. Apologies for its depressing content, blame the anxiety monster currently living in my chest.

Edit: I've just read this back over, and realised that it doesn't nearly explain the endless thoughts and worries I've got flying round my head, nor bring home how crappy my mood is. Sometimes I'm too flippant about how I feel. I wish I could take all my thoughts and smear them across this page, so that everyone would be able to see exactly how lost I feel, and then maybe somebody would be able to help me find a way to sort myself out.

last - next