Wee bit spiritual
12th August 2005, 9:50 am

I just read an email that Kirsty sent me, and I'll post it here (if she doesn't mind), as it was really quite lovely:

Hey Holly,

Random diaryland kid did almost the same as I did yesterday with your entries, unless RDK was me... Well, I don't know about them, but the reason I was re-reading a lot of your entries was because I was looking for when you were first prescribed the atenolol, because I couldn't remember the reason, then I was trying to see if you had mentioned why they seemed to make you more anxious instead of less. I read your entry yesterday and it made me regret more than ever that I never got to know you any better in sixth form, cos then I'd feel more justified in wishing I could help. I must confess, it's because I was always a little in awe of you, weird as that sounds now... I had, and still do have, a hell of a lot of respect for you, so please don't feel like you're a failure, because you're far from it. (why do my fingers insist on writing becasue, making me have to go back and change it every time...?)

I hope you don't mind that I still keep up with your diary. It's a bit of a weird way of keeping up with what you're up to, but I like it. You've probably touched so many people's lives through sharing your experiences online - speaking for myself, you've made me laugh and cry with you, and I worry for you when you get worried.

I know I probably can't do much at the moment to make your anxiety go away, but I just wanted to
send you my love and support. Hang in there girl, you're doing fine :)

Will keep up with your diary unless you get a chance to email back, so until then, take care.

Kirsty M
xxx

Had a full night's sleep last night, and anxiety appears to be under some sort of control at the moment, so I'm in quite a good mood. Took a baby Propranolol (I'm seriously sounding like the poster child for beta-blockers) this morning, and feel exactly the same, with the same sloooow heartrate, so I'm guessing my body's still working through the big pill I took yesterday.

I didn't mention this at the time, but I thought I'd make a note of it now. During the Bad Day on Tuesday, during my lunchbreak, I was feeling so shitty that I went and sat in the chapel on A floor to think for a bit, because it seemed like the right thing to do. I'm not religious in the slightest; I did go through a mindset at one point that went: I don't believe there is a God, but if there was then I'd HATE Him, because it's His fault that people I love keep dying. Now I just believe that there probably is no God, and if there was then fine, it's not His fault this has all happened.

Anyway, I went and sat down there during my lunchbreak, and it was very quiet and restful, and I was able to think about things properly and assess whereabouts I was. I just wanted to make a note of that.

Becky's home tonight for the weekend, which is very pleasant. Mel said that her exam went okay yesterday, so hopefully her stress levels will diminish a little. She's so thin at the moment that I'm actually pretty worried... she looks like she might just fade away at any moment. The trouble is, every exam time she loses a load of weight, and then before she has chance to put the weight back on again more exams come round, and she loses even more weight. I think she's just under 7 1/2 stone at the moment, which is surely much too light.

Four and a half hours until the weekend, well in! I'm starving hungry already, but I might just go have a cup of tea instead. I shall also take the time now to email the various people I owe emails to (Emma, Hannah, Shaun, Lindz), because if I don't do these emails soon I could be officially classed as a Bad Friend.

Expect an update this afternoon, as I have a feeling I'm going to get bored after lunch.

4:03 pm
The lift of death thought it would be HILARIOUS to shudder all the way up to N floor. Little does it know that I'm planning on firebombing its ass on the way home.

They just played Hanson - Mmmbop on Radio 1 as I was downstairs in the lab, so I whacked it up whilst doing my ethanol precipitation thing. They then played Queen - Don't Stop Me Now, and for some reason I decided it'd be a fantastic idea to whirl around the lab with my arms outstretched, pretending to be a plane.

It's the weekend, kids, and I'm off home. Hope everyone has a good one.

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