I know it's hard, but you're tearing her apart
01.03.06, 6:54 pm

I�m going to be leaving this on my computer and adding to it during the gaps in my day, so the time frame may become a little ridiculous. It�s currently 9:43 am, for the record. Apologies for the use of the word cunt by the way � I know some people hate it, but Paddy�s an incredibly bad influence and I�m fickle.

My text: Corner at quarter to?
Paddy�s text: I was well gonna skip cancer, just because it�s so cunt. Just got out the shower, don�t think I�ll be ready in time. Oh my god, it�s really bad isn�t it? I�m such a twat missing them. Right, for lent I�m gonna give up missing lectures!
My text: Well we�ll start the lent thing tomorrow and skip cunting cancer today. I was hoping you were going to skip it anyway cos I�m knacked. Right, I�ll see you for the second lecture then x

You know, I hope I didn�t just agree to an official Lent giving-up thing, because there�s no way I can go to all of my lectures for the next 40 days. Cancer Biology just sucks out my soul. Now and then Cancer hands out relevant journals for us to take home and read and I sometimes try and read them in the more boring lectures, but I always just end up helpfully doodling CANCER across them in big 3-D capitals instead. No doubt that�ll prove endlessly useful when revision rolls round again.

It�s now 1:21 pm. I�ve not been too great recently, to be honest, due mostly to the Paddy situation. It�s because we just seem to be spending so much time together at the moment, more time than ever before, and I just can�t handle it anymore, I can�t handle this friends thing, it seems. You know those people who say that being friends is better than nothing at all? Yeah, well they�re all liars. Okay they�re half liars. And I�m pretty sure I�ve written something like the friends sentence in this journal recently as well. Okay, I�m going to try and write this without sounding so damn flippant. Being friends is incredibly fantastic, but feeling what I do just drives me completely crazy. I go into Uni, spend most of the day with him, which makes me stupidly happy, and then I come home and feel incredibly depressed for the rest of the evening. Being just friends is actually killing me now, and I don�t know what to do about it.

So last night was meant to be the Pancake Party. And it still was... we had people over and everything, but because I�m so incredibly in touch with my emotional side I decided to spend the entire evening in my room avoiding everyone, because I didn�t want someone to ask me if I was okay and risk me breaking down and crying. And I couldn�t even do what I normally do when I�m sad, which is piss around on my guitar and sing, because the crappy cold I currently have has knacked my voice. So instead I sat on my bed and read LQT journals and resisted the urge to have a big stupid cry, because what would that fix really? I love him and I can�t have him, and I don�t know how he feels about me, and I can�t exactly just go ask him, and he might not even be honest with me if I did ask him. Why doesn�t he want me? Am I some kind of hideous hunchback, or have a really shit sense of humour, or not even have a personality at all? I don�t even know anymore; that�s how much the whole thing is getting to me.

Feeling a wee bit better now than I did last night, although it�ll get worse tonight. Becky is so very much like me; she came into my room this morning at half nine with a cup of tea and started off the conversation with, �So what was up with you last night?� She was very sympathetic though, as she has a similar situation with James, and it was nice. She�s trying to get me to go to the cinema with the rest of the kids tonight but I�m not sure if I want to.

It�s now 6:32 pm. I�ve been in an incredibly dull lab all afternoon, doing slide staining and various other boring activities. Oh god, on a side note my monitor keeps turning my screen blue. I�m really worried it�s going to die on me and then I really will be buggered. Anyway, the one important aspect of the lab was that the lecturer who takes it told us that results are out tomorrow morning. I�ll be there for 9 am once again. This is the other main reason why I�m not great. I got myself all psyched up for Monday and the results, and since then have been more and more convinced that I haven�t got my 2:1 average. And my gran rang last night to see if I�d got them yet (my dad also rang, and the conversation consisted of �You didn�t ring me! Oh, well let me know when you do know. I�m going now, there�s something I want to watch on the telly. Bye!� Yeah thanks, Dad) and she�s all ill and in pain still, and I know she really wants me to get the 2:1, so I feel like I really need to have gotten it. Blah blah blah worried angst blah blah fishcakes.

Both Mel and Becky are now insisting that I go out tonight to stop myself from getting depressed. I can�t stop thinking about Paddy, or results, or my gran. And then it goes round to Paddy again. This really great, close friends thing that we have going on is just ripping me up inside, and I have no solution to it at all. Probably best I don�t stay in on my own tonight.

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