Right load of teenage angst
02.10.05, 1:08 pm

Be warned... I probably haven't done enough activity-wise to fill up this entry, so you may be subjected to me rambling on about feelings/memories/thoughts. We'll see how the entry goes though, and where I end up.

Still Manchester-bound, with the amazingly talented Kate Rusby waiting for us tonight. I've just got out of food shopping with my dad because my hair's still wet from the shower. Without fail I get roped into food shopping every time I come home. Maybe it's karma, because every time I do come home (which isn't often, in my defence) I always eat some of the fun food. So maybe it's fair after all. Maybe I need to stop banging on about bloody karma, Jesus.

Matt has replied to my email, and his reply is currently sitting in my inbox. I haven't read it yet. I got as far as opening it, seeing the detail of the two email addresses and all the html coding to do with servers and shit, and then hit the X button. I don't want to read it here in Manchester, and risk it ruining my precarious okay mood.

I'll read it when I get back to Sheffield, and can face whatever it contains. I think it just boils down to me not wanting to be hurt any more, especially as I'm considering asking Paddy to be completely honest with me and telling me if he feels anything at all for me. Therein lies an incredible amount of potential hurt... if he feels nothing I will be devestated.

For any newcomers to this ridiculous ramble-fest that is my journal, the whole Paddy thing has been going on for a year and a half. I've invested a year and a half in gradually feeling more and more strongly for him. I'm sorry that my crappy library entry ended in a stupid ohmygodiamtotallyinlove. It's not like that at all. I've been in love with him for a long, long time; I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Because when it boils down to it I don't really know how he feels about me. And to know will mean that all the hoping will have to end, one way or the other.

Being in Manchester is excellent timing though, because I'm miles away from my uni life, and consequently can forget all about it for a couple of days. It's also kind've sunny, and all this unresolved crap in my head is making me strangely restless and manic. It feels a lot like happy, which is just fine with me.

God this all sounds like a right load of teenage angst. Never a dull moment here!

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