Blah blah blah woe is me blah
16.10.05, 11:04 pm

Oh, balls. I talked about the following issue with Zoe for a while tonight, but was going to put off writing about it until tomorrow. However, the damn thing is now swirling around in my head, and I know that I'm going to have to write about it before I can sleep tonight. I'm sorry, it's another depressing one... prepare yourselves.

I talked about this with C the other day for a while, and I guess now it's time to talk about it properly with myself. I don't want to admit it, but I'm really unhappy at the moment. I distract myself with all kinds of shit; I play loud, happy music and make myself manic on caffeine; I sit in lectures, and talk on the phone, and go out and have a good time; and yet all the while is this underlying sadness that I only notice when I stop and rest.

Want to know the reason I've suddenly decided that I need to know how Paddy really feels about me? Because if he said "yes", and we got together, then that would make me happy again, and provide a lift to get me out of this rut. Obviously this is why I shouldn't talk to him about it all, because my reasons are generally fucked up, and don't take his feelings into account at all.

And now the reason for my unhappiness. This is the paragraph I've been dreading the most to have to write about. It's a really kooky reason, and makes me feel incredibly pathetic, but here you go. I feel unloved and alone, in a big fat way. My dad's like someone whom I get on with and live with sometimes, not a parent, my sister's going to be eventually living in Paris, and I don't see enough of her as it is. Bernie's gone. My friends at home keep letting me down contact-wise, and my housemates all seem distant and preoccupied. Plus they're busy enough as it is with their own lives. Lisa, one of my most favourite people, is in Toulouse, I don't really see Rich and Dave much at the moment. Paddy still feels slightly off with me and Amy just yabbers on about her endless boyfriend problems.

Blah blah blah woe is me blah. And the longer this carries on, the more that I miss my mum, even though it's been OVER SIX YEARS NOW, AND I'M WAY TOO OLD AND USED TO THE SITUATION TO BE GETTING LIKE THIS. I just know that she would make me feel better about all of this. I envy my housemates so much sometimes, when their parents come to visit them and do little things for them, go out in Sheffield and spend time with them. I know that my family is a lot different, and that we function kind've differently, but it doesn't stop the stupid envy thing. I think I kind've suck ass.

My housemates could probably help me with all this, but I don't want to talk to them about it, because the whole thing makes me sound like a complete sad case. I'm getting pissed off with myself even now, sitting and thinking about it all. I seem to think that the world owes me some kind of favour. No one loves me, yeah right. Get real.

So yeah, that's probably the reason behind my strange, grumpy entries and general depressingness. I don't know how to fix myself though, that's the problem. Maybe it'll just go away on its own. Maybe I need to have some kind of hysterical breakdown (god I hope not). I'm being flippant, I know, but it's a self-protection kind of thing. I don't like bearing my soul too often, it's a little terrifying.

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